Why am I depressed?

Yesterday marked a week in which I have been depressed. A strange thing for the happy-go-lucky, think the best of people, always in the middle of it character we all know and love... why is everyone rolling their eyes?

Anyway, I can't figure out why - this has been a week with a lot of highs! Went to a comedy show, my brother played on the Rapids field, I got to high-five every single Real Salt Lake and Rapids player, I'm working all week which is good cuz I need the money for fencing and some stuff I owe to various places, I basically just got my hair cut, and I even like all the Colts draft picks! Usually the euphoria from all these things would drag out a little. And I'm not depressed ALL the time, which gets confusing. I'm focused when I babysit so I'm usually ok there, and I'm having a good time with my bros and that's happy, and all that. But I default back to depressed!

Maybe it's just the lows - the depression kicked off last week when I started getting the feeling that God was mad at me because I was doing something wrong when approaching Him. Even when I was reading the Bible, or praying there was this little whisper that I wasn't good enough for God to still love me, or that He wasn't listening to me because He was mad about something I did. I couldn't find any Biblical evidence that this was true, so I came to the conclusion that it was all a trick from the devil that I fell for. Mean I think, that he'd trick me into skittering away from God making me think He was angry at me. Now I'm coming back, but the space that got shoved between is a little awkward. I mean, why wouldn't God be mad at me? Lord knows I do all kinds of stuff to deserve it! I guess I just can't grasp how God's love is unconditional... all of a sudden. I know that's silly and that Jesus bridged the gap, but having to cross back over after getting tricked that the bridge wasn't there kinda gets me down, since I didn't have to be there in the first place. Ok, that made no sense I'm certain. I thought of a song today that describes me right now. I hadn't heard it in forever and could barely remember the words, so I looked them up.

Your Love Never Changes - Paul Wright

I'm tired of falling on my face Lord

Get up tell myself (oh oh oh oh)

I'm tired of singing the same songs

Na na na na (ha! oh oh oh oh)

I'm so high I'm so low

I'm so hot I'm so cold

I'm so young but I'm feeling so old

I'm at peace I'm at war

I want less I want more

I want it all but I don¹t know what it's for

And all that I am is all that you see

When nobody is looking at me

I fall to my knees you're calling my name

And you love me just the same - Whoa!

Because your love never changes - No

Yea you love me just the same - Whoa!

Cuz your love never changes - No

I'm back on the right track again

I'm back hanging with the right friends

I'm back on my feet again

Kicking back ha just laughing

I'm so high I'm so low

I'm so hot I'm so cold

I'm so young but I'm feeling so old

I'm at peace I'm at war

I want less I want more

I want it all but I don't know what it's for

Yea you love me just the same

Yesterday today tomorrow everyday

Yea you love me just the same

Yesterday today tomorrow everyday

Yup. That's about right. But now that I'm back still doesn't fix my mood for some reason *sigh*. I'd be nice if I could figure out what the problem is.

Draw me

I don't like country music.

At all.

Never.

Or so I thought.

Our pastor played the Keith Green song, "Draw Me" today in the service, and even made himself late making a slideshow showing the lyrics. And boy am I glad he took the time because I don't like country music, but these lyrics are some of the greatest I've ever seen. We were talking about distractions in church, and about how ANYTHING is sin if it keeps you from where you should be with God. I've found myself just a little distracted lately this last week. Not really because of any one thing, and not a whole lot. Just a little, whispering, tricky slip of the guard. Today's message and lyrics helped snap me back to. So what are these lyrics?

"Draw me, oh, draw me, please draw me, my Jesus.

Into your presence, where I cannot lie.

My soul is so thirsty, I cannot endure it.

And if I can't get closer, I surely will die.

Take me, oh take me, please take me, my Jesus.

Quickly, before I forget that I'm lost.

For so many times, my mind has deceived me,

That I really don't have to carry the cross.

That I really don't have to carry the cross.

I just need to know how to pray.

My wicked desires block the way,

Sometimes I have grieved you away,

I don't want to do that today.

Help me, oh help me, please help me my Jesus.

Save me from sins that I thought were all gone.

Kill me with kindness, and break through my blindness.

I know till I'm dead, I can never live on.

I know till I'm dead, I can never live on.

I just need to know how to pray.

My wicked desires block the way,

Sometimes I have grieved you away,

I don't want to do that today.

Draw me, oh draw me, please draw me my Jesus."

Usually when I put lyrics on here I regret that I can't just let you listen to the song, but not this time! lol! I put the parts I want you to think about or that are really great in red, as I usually do.

Don't let your guard down today! Stay with it! Stay in it! Anything that keeps you from God's best is sin, no matter how good it is normally.